The Duplicity of Me

I recently read Dallas Willard's book Renovation of the Heart: Putting on the Character of Christ.  Actually I read it several times.  It's an incredible book that I'm sure I'll write more about.  But for now there is one idea that I've been chewing on recently:

Willard describes what he calls "the duplicity of man" - This is our tendency to say we believe something, and want to act a certain way, and sometimes we do, but when it comes down to that knee-jerk response in the heat of the moment, our actions do not match up with our beliefs and convictions.  Of course, this is not a new idea.  Paul wrote about the problem in Romans 7:

When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Romans 7:21b-24

One of the main ideas of Willard's book is that this duplicity is not a required state of every believer; in fact, for a true disciple of Jesus it is not even a possible permanent state.  He suggests that a true disciple of Jesus will move beyond this duplicity into a "renovated character" where the desire of our heart (to look and act like Jesus) is what actually happens (most of the time).   

Building on this, Chapter 8 describes how, moment to moment, our actions are generally out of our control.  We are, to a significant degree, simply reacting to our circumstances in a way that is controlled by our thoughts and feelings at that moment.  This pattern of actions, over time, reveals our character.  Now, this doesn't mean that our actions are not our responsibility.  Our will enables us to make choices that affect our future thoughts and feelings, and this is why we are responsible for our character.

I've been chewing on these ideas for a while now, but they came to a poignant climax today.  In the last few days, I have experienced this duplicity in my own life with increasing awareness.  As I continue to strive to look and act more like Jesus, I have been making better choices, seeing fruit in my life.  But recently I have been placed in some situations where my actions were those "knee jerk" reactions that reveal my character.  And I was devastated.  

I guess I have always known this, but today I think I really saw for the first time what a horrible person I really am.  I want to be a good father but I am horribly impatient and get angry when my 2-year old acts like a 2-year old.  I want to be a good husband, and love my wife the way Christ loves his church, but when given the opportunity to serve her my gut reaction is to complain and be lazy and selfish.  I know that every person I meet is made in God's image, and I want to love them and treat them the way I want to be treated, but instead I am selfish, arrogant and disrespectful.  When someone takes something that I percieve to be mine, I want to react in love by giving them whatever else they need.  Instead I lash out in anger and self-righteousness.  Sadly I could go on and on.

This morning at church (today is Easter Sunday), our pastor talked about the life that we have access to through the death and resurrection of Jesus.  Not just life after death, but life now (he called it "life before death"), which includes freedom from the power of sin.  Once again, this is an old idea that is becomming newly significant to me. (It's also a huge component of another of Dallas Willard's books, The Divine Conspiracy)  As I listened to the sermon this morning, I was overcome by how little freedom I have from the power of sin.  I feel like sin has such a firm grasp on me that I am suffocating; The duplicity in my life is becoming unbearable.  

When I arrived home from this morning's Easter service, I was feeling pretty low.  All that talk and singing about Jesus giving us freedom from the power of sin was great, but simultaneously not feeling that freedom was excruciating.  But then something put me over the edge.  It was time for my daughter to take a nap, and she just wouldn't sleep. (She is so tired, why won't she just go to sleep!!)  Instead of patience and gentleness, my reaction to her defiance was outright anger and a desperate need for control, and then pride.  When naptime was over, I collapsed in a pile of frustration and tears.  If you have made it this far in this post, you deserve to know:  I thought the sobbing would not end.  We had a half-hour to make it to Easter dinner, so of course, it did end, but the experience had a lasting effect.

I don't know what the answer is; Why these sins seem like they will never ever leave... I know that in my life I have a thousand times told God that I want him to be Lord of my life, that I want Him to come in and remake me into someone that looks and acts like Jesus, and that there is nothing I can do to make our relationship right, short of my trust in Him.  And I will continue to tell Him that until I die.  So I wonder; why is this "life before death" not something that I am experiencing?  Or am I, and I am just expecting the wrong thing?  Or am I just a big lump of clay that desperately wants to be a pot, and thinks it is a pot, but really just needs to wait for the potter to continue His handiwork?  I think I'm willing to accept that this new-found hatred of my sin is a vital component to whatever He wants to do with me, if that is really the case.

But why am I so impatient!!!

I'll end with these lyrics from a Big Daddy Weave song titled Why.  It is my anthem for today.

Why do I do all the things that I do 

When I want to do what is right 

Change this wicked heart of mine 

Let me walk with you in the new life  

So what will ever put an end 

To my recurring bout with sin 

It seems I'm always at a loss for a way to win 

When what I really need to do 

Is to confront it with the truth 

And let Your words of life sink in and make my mind brand new  

A transformation that happens over time 

Is the product of a renewed mind  

Create in me a clean heart 

Place Your spirit deep inside 

Capture every thought 

'Till there's no place left to hide