How I Lost My Faith, Part 1

I've been thinking about how best to describe how I lost my faith.  Those that know be best will be aware of the doubts I've struggled with over the years, but how exactly did I come to finally give up my faith?  I thought I would start by posting a few entries from my journal around the time when all this happened.

August 6, 2014

So I think I'm coming to the gradual realization that I don't believe in God.  It's either that I am losing my belief in God, or it was never there all along.  I think it's probably a little of both.

Yesterday at church I had to lead the 4th & 5th grade small group, and they were doing a "gospel presentation".  They had encouraged the kids to bring friends, and did an old-fashioned invitation.  I felt like an imposter and outsider the whole time.  I had to do a gospel recap when I got back to the classroom with the kids, and was able to do it fine, but had a really hard time emphasizing the immanency of a choice.  The kids director was in there with me, and she kept correcting me and adding to what I was saying.  When I got to the part about hell, I really struggled to "bring it home" and she jumped in and took over for me.  Anyway, I left church feeling like an outsider and an imposter for the first time in my life.

It's terrifying to think about acting on this.  The implications for my family are not pleasant.
P and I had a rare talk about this after church.  We're both very timid about staring this directly in the face.  She knows about my doubts and the struggles I've had with my faith over the years, and she even said at one point that it's becoming clear that I don't believe any of it.  That surprised me because she said it so calmly.  I know she seems to struggle with the same sorts of things, but in a very different way, so when she was calm about it, I think she either is in the same boat, or is hiding a log of emotion.  We need to talk more, but I'm terrified that it will hurt her, and I just don't want to do that.

At one point we were discussing what I should do about all this... Her response was "whatever causes our family the least amount to strife".  This surprised me, because it implies that she doesn't really care whats "under the hood" but just about preserving the status quo.  She later said she was mostly joking, but I need to remember to continually reassure her and consider her fears of change.