How I Lost My Faith, Part 2

I've been thinking about how best to describe how I lost my faith.  Those that know be best will be aware of the doubts I've struggled with over the years, but how exactly did I come to finally give up my faith?  I thought I would start by posting a few entries from my journal around the time when all this happened.

August 7, 2014

I'm really not sure what will come of all this.  I don't really see any good outcomes.  Either I live the life of a hypocrite and imposter my whole life, or I give my loved ones horrible amounts of pain and grief for the rest of their lives.

I'm pretty sure I can't raise truly christian kids if I don't believe it myself.  And not knowing where P stands on all this, it's hard to know what the future could look like.  No matter what, I will first and foremost be her husband, and the father of my kids.  So if she remains christian, I think I will need to remain a doubting christian.

I really feel truly alone in this.  Without anyone to talk about it with, it's hard to stay grounded.  I think I could eventually talk to P about it, but I want to be sensitive to how much of a painful subject this can be.  I sense that she is (or could be) somewhat close to where I am, but we haven't talked much about it.

I often (in my mind) compare this season of doubt to those in the past... In the past, my doubt was this terrible thing that I would seek out a solution to, at any cost.  I would search and read and do whatever I could to snuff it out...  But now, now I don't see it as anything that could possibly be fixed.  I've been through all the "fixes" and know so very well all the typical remedies one applies to help heal a "sick" person such as myself, and so I feel different this time, like there is no possibility of "healing".  I know that sounds defeated and can be self-fulfilling, but that's how I feel.   I have lived for so long (10+ years!) in this state of desperate desire to know God, to believe and trust him, but never felt as if he was ever there.  It's like (if he exists) he has totally shut me out from access to knowledge of him.  We as Christians are always saying that God desperately wants a relationship with us, but I have found that to not be true.  I've so many times reached out in desperation to him and heard absolutely nothing in return. 

The most I ever felt was a connection to worship music... I would come close to crying during particularly moving songs, but the same thing happens if the song is not a worship song.

So either he just is not there, or I have been left out, totally forbidden from a relationship with him.  But how then can I explain the experience of those who seem to have a genuine relationship?  The more I learn about confirmation bias, and the psychology of belief, the more explainable it becomes.  The existence of people who really believe in the existence of UFOs, or even YEC (in the face of contrary evidence) the more explicable a belief in God and relationship with him (even if he does not exist) becomes.

This is sad and scary and depressing and terrifying and I have no idea what to do about it.